September 12th, 2023
In October of 2021, I drove my car, with an 8x6 U-haul trailer attached, back to my home town in Texas, and pulled into the driveway of my mom’s house.
My childhood home.
I had just sold or given away most of my things in Los Angeles, following through on the drive to pursue life on the road and a deeper connection to nature. A few weeks later, I flew back to LA to pick up my half finished school bus (and my 2 cats) and drove it (and them) to Texas as well. My intention was to spend around a month living at my mom’s house while getting the bus build finished so I could hit the road in January 2022.
I didn’t finish the bus until mid-May.
So, for about 6 months, I unintentionally moved back into my mom’s house. What’s funny (but not at the time) about that is how I *distinctly* remember being 18 years old, having just moved to New York City, and vowing with my whole entire being that I would never *ever* go back to living there.
Life has wild ways of humbling you.
While living there, I experienced a number of setbacks on the bus build, including multiple infuriating and disappointing experiences with the men I’d hired to assist me. I was also, naturally, forced to reckon with being in such close proximity to my mom, under her roof, and her seemingly endless expectations and opinions, with all of the intricacies of her…unique personality and volatile manner of expression.
I very quickly realized that I was not back at “home” to finish my bus.
The bus project was my intention, of course, but it was secondary to the real reason. The Divine had other, bigger plans for my silly ass. What became clear to me within a few weeks of settling in, and already experiencing the chaos of being at the origin of so many of my core wounds is that I was there to continue to heal, to reckon with my shadows. I was there to heal my inner child, my Mother wound, and my relationship with and to The Divine Masculine.
I was there to face myself in the deepest and most painful ways I had up until that point in my life.
Everything that I valued, loved, and felt attached to was being stripped away. Some of it by my own doing, of course. I had made the choice to leave Los Angeles and pursue a dreamy idea of bus life. In my mind, I was going to go on the road for a few months before beginning work on season 2 of ‘Run The World’, which was set to begin production in March ’22. Then I would go back on the road and wherever else life decided to carry me. But, as you know, I did not go back to ‘Run The World’ because, in violation of legal protections for my religious beliefs, I was fired over the covid-19 vaccine mandates instituted by Lionsgate.
So, not only was I living at home with my mom, I was going through what many would have probably seen as emotional hell. I was removed from my entire network of friends and support, my childhood triggers were constantly being brought to the surface by my mother, and I had just lost not only my dream acting job, but the income that went along with it.
Most productions at the time were also adhering to the non-sensical mandates so finding work as an actress became even more difficult than it already was under normal circumstances. To add to my pain, the public backlash that ensued once the news was made public had me reaching out to trusted spiritual mentors for help navigating the intense and dark energy being directed at me.
And while all of this was happening, I was doing my best to pivot into using my spiritual gifts as a way of creating abundance for myself. I had seen the writing on the wall in 2020, with all of the politicizing of private medical decisions and how Hollywood was the mouthpiece for very clear agendas. This, combined with other massive spiritual shifts beginning to take place within the collective, I had a clear and distinct sense that I would no longer be able to fully rely on my acting career as a way of sustaining myself financially. It was then that I started laying the groundwork to move into a space of sovereignty where I would not need to depend on the film and television industry as a means of income. All of the moves that I began making in 2021, including beginning the process of converting a school bus into a mobile home were a part of that plan.
In addition to the, now lifted, discriminatory mandates, the fact that Hollywood is currently at a standstill due to historic strikes by the WGA and SAG/AFTRA, I have confirmation that my intuition, as always, was correct.
Anyway.
There were many moments where I felt completely overwhelmed by what felt like an endless barrage of loss, chaos, heartbreak, rage, lack of support, and just plain disappointment. It’s hard for me to think of another year where I cried more or felt more alone.
Except whatever year I was in the 5th grade. That was my loneliest year for sure.
And through it all, I continued to remind myself that I was clearly being stretched, pulled, and expanded because I had asked The Divine to lead me deeper into my purpose. I had been asking Her to guide me toward everything that is meant for me. One of the first and most potent lessons that I learned when I began diving more fully into my healing journey in 2018 is that nothing happens *to* you, it happens *for* you. So, despite being in near constant pain, feeling like I was in a loop of never ending lessons, humility, and challenge, I kept reminding myself of and leaning into the surrender that accompanies deep trust in the process, deep trust in The Divine.
As the weeks and months went by, I watched the vision of my beautiful school bus home come to life. I watched myself create my first course as a guide, which ultimately failed, leading me to learn from the failure and begin healing the spiritual blockages that I was able to identify through that failure.
I watched myself as I grew a more powerful connection to my inner child and realized, painfully, that I was still in longing of acceptance and acknowledgment from my mother. I got to experience the relief of finally letting go and releasing myself and my mother from the weight of that longing.
I watched myself as I developed the softness and grace to instead offer acceptance and acknowledgment to her, recognizing that my longing mirrored hers, she just expressed it so differently from me.
And then I got to watch, miraculously, my mother so hardened by the difficulties of her own life, also begin to soften.
There is so much more that I would love to share about the depth and expansiveness of my experience of ‘coming home’, but I can do that in other letters. What I will end on is that coming home had a dual meaning for me.
In the physical sense, yes, it was about being back in my childhood home, with so many painful memories, and new challenges to face as an adult, both on my own and in relationship to my mother.
But the real homecoming was the opportunity to return to *myself* in ways that I could never have imagined. And that’s probably because I simply did not have the capacity to before. The Divine did not present me with this sacred challenge until I had already grown into the Woman who could carry it, who could allow herself to be expanded in the ways necessary to receive deep medicine, experience, freedom, and ultimately, wisdom that will allow me to better serve others.
Sometimes what you need is to have everything stripped away so that you learn that you are everything. It recalls to my mind the old saying, “Wherever you go, there you are.”
You are your home.
The profound experience that I've detailed here was instrumental in helping me to birth my masterclass Liberated Daughter: Healing The Unconscious Parent Wound. I highly recommend purchasing this class if you have had or are currently experienced difficulty in your relationships with your parents, and especially your mother.
For those of your who are experiencing massive transformations, going through a dark night of the soul, or feeling lost in your current life circumstances, bringing in someone to help guide you through your journey can provide massive relief and clarity. I would love to assist you on your journey and have a number of offers available for you to connect with me 1:1. Below you will find a link to my High Level Mentorship application, and here is a link to my other offerings, including my Intuitive Guidance Session which is designed to help you shift your perception, and thus, your reality, in just 2 hours.
With Love & Gratitude,
Peace, although we have different spiritual beliefs, I do believe I was lead here for a reason. Thank you for your confidence and obedience in writing this letter. You should definitely be proud in standing your truth on not getting the shot. I KNOW what that indifference feels like. Having to rely on faith to get you through.
In 2020, I lost my home to a fire and had to live with my mom. What I thought would be 6 months turned into a year and a half! That experience brought up old pains of the past that were never dealt with. Even still to this day, there are somethings that need to be said.
Your letter is encouraging bc…
Absolutely feel so encouraged after reading this. I hope you know we really appreciate these letters. Also understanding that through you sharing this, i’m not alone. I’m so glad you are living in your full purpose and are in constant pursuit. It means everything to know that there are people out there that care to help others. I know you will be rewarded greatly, not that its about that. But sending love. Looking forward to the next letter. Wishing you the best days ahead.
I just finished my session with my therapist this morning and as I went through my emails I saw yours and began reading. A lot of what you mentioned here came up in conversation with my therapist, as well as conversations with my partner and friends. I’ve been living in Austin for the last 5 years and find myself asking, what am I doing here? It’s been a place of isolation and I’ve been pushed to grow in ways I haven’t before. All my family is back in NYC. I’ve said the very same thing about not moving back home. And yet I find myself wondering if that’s exactly what I need because I’ve been running from dealing with all…